Four years

It’s January 8, 2019. And that means it’s my four year cancerversary. Four years ago today I was first considered “no evidence of disease (NED)” when I had a double mastectomy and axillary lymph node dissection.

I woke up (unintentionally) early today and spent time again re-reading the Facebook posts that Greg shared throughout the day while I was in surgery. And I re-read all the comments and messages that people left for me. And I cried a little. Mostly good, warm, positive tears as I felt the love. But a few PTSD kind of tears, too.

Four years brings a mix of emotions. It’s another year closer to that “5 year survival rate” mark, which seems completely arbitrary, but my father-in-law assures me that actuary tables are set up with a strong basis in reality. So that’s a good thing. On the other hand, I have had multiple BC sisters turn metastatic in their fourth year, so that’s also terrifying. When I was first diagnosed, the fear of leaving my children without a mother was overwhelming. Two days ago my youngest child turned 16. The traditional survival rate after a MBC diagnosis is usually said to be two years. So even if I were diagnosed today, I'd likely live long enough to leave only adult children. (Yes, those thoughts are ever present.)

The other thing about January 8 is that it was my mom’s birthday. (Today would have been her 76th birthday; she died in 2016.) When I scheduled my mastectomy for her birthday, I didn’t think anything about that date—I just wanted this horrible tumor out of my body as soon as possible. I wanted to get things started so it would all be over as soon as possible. (Ha ha!) But since losing my mom, her birthday hits me harder. It brings back that awful time when my mom was struggling with end-stage lung cancer with brain mets and I was a new breast cancer patient and I had to focus my energy on me and shift it from her. It was a really, really icky time, compounded by happening in January and February—the most depressing months. 

So I’ve been kind of in a funk today.

However, I also have a work conference this week in beautiful Stevens Point, WI! Several months ago, when I registered for the conference, I asked my brother if he and Amy could meet us (it’s halfway between us). He wasn’t sure if he could, but due to the federal government shut-down, he was able to do it. (Unfortunately Amy could not.)

It was amazing to see him for the first time in over two years.

And Greg was able to come along, too. Two days with my favorite guy makes everything easier. I'm feeling good, maintaining NED, and being thankful for every single day that I get.