Thank you, and some thoughts about Lori

First off, I want to thank everyone for all of the kind words you have written about Lori on Facebook and/or said to me and the kids. It means a lot to us to know that other people loved and admired her as much as we did. Further thanks to the many of you who attend her drive-through visitation last Saturday. We are so glad you could share that day with us, despite the pandemic.

An obituary for Lori has been posted here. Feel free to share it with whomever you think might be interested.

I'm going to get a bit reflective (and probably wordy) below, so if that's not your cup of tea, no offense taken.  Just click over to the obituary. No need to sift through my ramblings.

 

When Lori’s parents, who were lovely people, passed away, I consciously tried to take something that I had seen them doing, in terms of living a good life, and incorporate it into my own life. From my father-in-law, for example, it is helping people build or fix things. Though I lack his skill (serious understatement), I try to lend a hand (or at least loan people tools) when possible because this is something Dick Kangas did for me, and dozens of other people, throughout his life. He was right. Helping other people build things or put things back together is a satisfying way to spend an afternoon.

From my mother-in-law, Nadya, I learned to become more open to having conversations with strangers. This was actually one of her favorite things. She loved taking the train places, for example, because it let her spend lots of time talking to new and different people.  This is not something I normally would have done in the past, but I try to do it a bit more now. Most of the time these brief exchanges leave me happier than I was before.

So, over the past week, I have been thinking of all of the things I have learned from Lori and all of the ways she has made me a better person. It's a long list. Obviously, I learned a ton of practical things from her. Most of what I know about cooking, for example, I learned from her. We figured out a lot of parenting and home-owner stuff together. That was all super valuable, of course, but I've been thinking more about the things I've learned from her that go beyond the day-to-day.

Here are some of the things I hope to carry with me, gleaned from over three decades of knowing and loving Lori:

Take the time to do things the right way.  If you notice you dropped a stitch, rip the project back to the error and start again. If you are planning a lesson, think carefully about all of the questions the students might ask and make sure you have an answer at the ready. If you are cooking a meal you've never cooked before, instead of just grabbing a recipe at random, Google at least three recipes and steal the best bit of each. When you are exhausted from a home-improvement project (or a doctoral dissertation) and are ready to call it quits, gather yourself and soldier on. You'll feel good knowing you've done it right.

Keep trying new things. If someone offers you a chance to try something that they love doing, give it a whirl, even if you aren't 100% sure you will like it. You might, for example, discover at age 47 that you absolutely love bicycling. You probably won't like all the things you try (open-water swimming, for instance), but even then you may well meet some really nice people along the way.

Make things and give them away. Ok, maybe we can't all knit a pair of socks (witchcraft, I say!), but there's probably something you can make.  Maybe there's a meal you can cook really well or a special dessert you can bake.  Maybe you can write things or grow vegetables. You get the picture. Whatever it is, make that thing and then share it with others. 

If someone offers you a chance to hold a baby, hold the baby. If possible, see if it will wrap its tiny hand around one of your fingers. Then just sit quietly in a comfortable chair with it and let your pulse slow down. Watch it sleep in your arms and think about its combination of strength and fragility. Ponder everything it could become. You will smile for the next hour.

Never stop learning, and teach other people what you know. View every challenge as an opportunity to become an expert about something. Look things up. Read all you can find. Talk to the experts. Turn things over in your mind to make sure you fully understand it. If not, keep reading and asking questions until you do.  If the evidence you have found suggests you should change your mind, change it.  Then, if other people would benefit from that knowledge, share it freely. Be a reliable resource.

Don't expect the universe to be fair or to take care of you; realize we need to take care of each other.  It doesn't matter that you never smoked, rarely drank, ate healthy, and exercised regularly. You might still get cancer. And then when you face that cancer with dignity and determination and go out of your way to help others do the same, the cancer still might come back in an even more hostile and aggressive form, too powerful this time for even the bravest patient and the best doctors. This might seem bleak and depressing and awful at first, but it's really not, so don't dwell on the injustice of it. What this indifferent universe forces us to do is rely on each other to get through. If the universe always took care of us, we could just coast along, thoughtlessly. Because the universe won't take care of us, we must find communities to love and support us (and to love and support right back), and it turns out those relationships are what gives life meaning. So, in the end, it's ok.

Live an authentic life. Even though you may not have ever studied existentialism, live a life so authentic that you end it with absolutely no regrets. Do the things that make you happy. Spend time with the people you love.  Figure out what's meaningful to you and focus your energies there.  The process of figuring out what these things are can be anxiety-producing, so get help with that if you need it. It's always ok to ask for the help you need. The path you follow probably won't be the exact same life that others would live, and that's ok. That's the point, really. 

These are the things I've been thinking about this week, and I'm sure I'll think of a half dozen more next week.  I plan to spend the rest of my life trying to be a little more like Lori, because I'm pretty sure that will make me a better and happier person. I encourage you all to do the same.