It's a Roller Coaster

I've been thinking but not writing all day today--composing blog posts in my mind, but then tossing them.  Because I want this blog to be positive and uplifting and good.  But I also want it to be truthful and honest and useful.  I want it to be a way for those I can't talk to everyday to know that I'm doing just fine, but I also want it to be something I can look back on in a year or so to see how far I've come and/or to share with others, if I ever become a breast cancer survivor mentor (which I hope to do).   So my dear friend Katie messaged me with a check-in and I unloaded about my crappy day to her.  She reminded me that while I might want to be back to normal, my body was "essentially run over by a semi truck."  And when I said I don't liked to be tricked into feeling good and then bad again, she told me it's a roller coaster--and not to forget to throw up my hands and scream some of the time.

So I'll start with the screaming.  :)

Today sucked because I was hoping to get the final pathology report from the surgery and I did not.  I felt (emotionally) like I did when I was waiting for the initial pathology report from the biopsy (i.e.: really crappy).  Today also sucked because I had my first appointment with the plastic surgeon post-surgery and I was so hoping to get at least some of the chest drains out, because they itch and pull and are a pain in the ass to empty and record, and I can't shower or sleep on my side until they're gone.  None.  I got absolutely NONE out today.  We drove across town during rush hour to see a doctor to pull drains and I got none pulled.  And today sucked because I am not used to being an invalid.  I have been homebound, semi-chair-bound for four days now and I REALLY DON'T LIKE IT!


But there was so much good today, too.  This is by no means all of it, but some includes:


My appetite is barely back, but my dear friend Tess brought me a beautiful spinach and strawberry salad, which tasted fantastic.

I was able to leave the house this morning and walk over to my mom's, where I had coffee with her and Steve.  And when I left, I walked home "the long way."

I messaged with not one, but two friends who are considering writing blogs about their own health/surgical journeys, in part because of reading mine (I'll introduce you to each other if you'd like).

Several of my former professors and administrators sent me a beautiful flower arrangement, with the message that it will "grow for years like you."

My friend Michelle dropped off dry shampoo for me to try (no energy tonight--hopefully tomorrow).

I chatted with Cara while she waited for her bus for work--and we talked about non-surgery stuff, which was SO welcome.

I left the house for the doctor's appointment, then stopped for supper at Qdoba with Mira (and Greg) and then walked the block and a half to bring Mira to her "Girls Who Code" class at Marquette University.  And then I walked the block and a half back to the car.  And then I got out of the car at CVS to pick up dressing-changing supplies.  And though I was tired, I did it. And I got so much fresh air.  And it felt so good.

And then I came home and crashed.  And a half-hour nap has made me a bit more positive. Off to empty the fricking chest drains, take the nauseating antibiotic, but then watch some Buffy with Greg and then sleep in the damn recliner, comfortable and loved.