Deciding to share my cancer news was not easy. I wanted to be sure to tell my immediate family first, but I really felt that I needed support while going through the uncertainty prior to the definitive diagnosis. And so in addition to (of course) sharing everything with Greg, I chose two very special friends to confide in. Dawn is my online friend who went through her own cancer journey, beginning over 5 years ago (chronicled at Desiderata). She told me what would happen before the medical professionals did, and above all assured me I would get through it all. I would message her with the dumbest questions and worries and she was (and still is) fabulous about talking me through things. The other friend I shared the news with early is my equally-fabulous, retired nurse friend Kathlynn (blogless, I think). Kathlynn listened to everything I freaked out about, and was able to tell me (gently) to knock off the panic! :) Both of them are responsible for maintaining at least some of my sanity.
For anyone now, or in the future, going through a similar situation, I can tell you that (at least so far) the worst part is by far the uncertainty. The roughly two weeks between finding the lump and getting the definitive diagnosis was horrible! And while Greg got the brunt of my freaking out (and tears), Dawn & Kathlynn shouldered a lot of it, too. I can never thank them enough for that.
We started telling family on December 17th and I quickly learned that it was really, really hard to see people's faces when they heard the news. Phone calls were just as hard as I could hear people's reactions on the other end. I guess everyone was as shocked as we were to find out. And so other than the kids and my mom, we informed everyone by text or messenger, or email (hello, 21st century communication!). I apologize to those of you who heard in a non-personal way, but know that I selfishly did it to protect myself.
It was hard to decide when to tell people, and who to tell. I have enough Finnish blood in me that I don't like to be the center of attention (Ever hear the joke about the Finnish extrovert? He looks at the other person's feet when talking to him!). But I knew how helpful it was to talk to Dawn and Kathlynn. And Dawn encouraged me to share the news--first with a smaller private group, and then with all of Facebook-land. And (again) she was right.
I have not cried for me since getting the definitive diagnosis. But I am continually tearing up something crazy due to my amazing friends. The Facebook posts, the private messages, the text messages, the phone calls--and all the hugs. I knew I had great friends, but OMG all of them at once, being the amazing people that they are has been completely overwhelming. I have read and re-read and printed out all of your messages to keep with me and re-read on any bad days.
Last night I got together with some of my closest friends to celebrate my graduation and to fill up my happy tank with good memories to get me through January. January is always a rather depressing month, in my opinion, between the cold, snow, short days, and such. And I will be coming off of 5 1/2 years of Grad School (more-than-a-fulltime-job), and won't be starting my new job until February (more on that later--they kindly pushed back my start date), so will likely be beside myself with boredom. I've heard the recovery from surgery is not a lot of fun, and it impacts your arm range of motion and strength. I will also be unable to drive for a few weeks. I've decided to treat this time as a forced vacation--resting, reading for fun, knitting, watching bad TV, and socializing. And I filled my happy memory tank to the brim last night.
Though I don't wish a cancer diagnosis on any of you, I do wish that each of you had an opportunity to be as completely surrounded with love, support, and the most amazing good wishes as I have been for the last month. I keep telling myself to look for silver linings, and you, my friends, are an amazing silver lining. I promise to make an effort to pay back the good feelings as best as I can--and not to wait for a time of crisis before doing so.
hi - I am not sure my comments are going in. this is a test.
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